Aih in Wonderland

Dear 2011 and 2012,

It’s within these quiet times in between the leftovers of last year and the sunrise of next year that I find myself grazed with thoughts that go over a hundred miles an hour.

With another full year to scathingly scrutinize, it’s not hard to miss the misses. When what you have is one-fourth the person you wish you were, a weight anchors your courage to the bottom of your stomach. The losses escape count, the ghosts of opportunities missed attack your mind and don’t get me started on the ‘should have, would have, could have’s. With the new year in mind, I’m not sure if I’m chasing a resolution or running away from the fear of regret. 

But the same fear fuels the want hunt down that resolution and to give justice. But is being afraid of not fixing your life enough to actually fix your life? After all, I still have a third of a whole person’s shoes to fill. Is being scared of being inadequate stronger than the want to be adequate? I’m not sure, but I need to find out soon. I have to find a that solid push so that anchor can let me have my guts back.

So - courage. I need a lot of it. And I need to want it more than I do now. Cause with the uncertainty plaguing me, I’m afraid I’ll end up with a half empty cup again. 

But this is just me rambling. Decluttering my mind, if you will. Move on, 2012. I’ll see you in the morning and when I re-read this, I might have figured some things out.